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[28 Aug 2008|10:40pm] |
I miss being able to let go. I miss being unafraid of confrontation. I miss getting lost in destructive activity without the crashing waves of "knowing better" rinsing my brain sober. I miss being attached to friends, I miss the romance in friendship. I miss the rush of meeting a girl and upon first eye-contact knowing that the two of you would embark on a reckless fantastic affair; the kind where you tell each other everything on the first date. You're oh so over-protective of one another, and everyone on the outside is seething with jealousy wishing they could be inside this ever exclusive yet increasingly toxic cloud of cigarette smoke in which the two of you reside. Yes, the affair would always come to a screeching halt after six months, and you would be left scratching in the dust wondering why you took it far too far. But it was always worth it because (even then) you knew those short-lived-days would define a critical chapter of your life. I don't remember the last time I made that kind of friend. When you're in a relationship do you have to let go of friendships that magnetic? Is it impossible to have intimacy with more then one person? Or does the part of yourself that needs to engage in 'epic friendships' get lost in the thick of growing up?
It just occurred to me, this minute, that today is a very strange day. August 28th marks the end of something very significant. Something very beautiful and free and exotic that somehow kinda crashed into my life at 16 and changed everything.
(I don't feel things the same way that I did, then. Since you left us. A part of me shut-down. A part of me that was fearless. and fun. and a basket-case. I'm so safe and sterile now.)
RIP.
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| don't go quietly. |
[24 May 2004|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Mars Volta |
] |
I miss touch.
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| or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall. |
[01 Feb 2004|07:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jets to brazil-china town |
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What is life, but an ever spinning contact sheet made up of stream-of-conscious photographs? Once in a blue moon the unexpected will occur and earthquakes will prevail, shaking the ground in a way so fierce; it's intensity forces our bodies to move in the moment. Immediately following that sudden jolt, the earth subsides and returns back into its normal sleeping state, and we find ourselves spending the days and nights ahead endlessly gazing like store-window mannequins into the photo-stills of our past. After an earthquake exists, I memorize that bone-shattering moment in detail, develop the vision, and frame its picture in my mind's eye where it become part of a collection of recollections.
That collection of photographs becomes my life, because so much time is spent staring into it while I wish, wish the ground would tumble the way it once did.
It's been difficult to find earthquakes in Florida. The flatlands are so tired and still; but I suppose that's a key objective in moving here. To be isolated from shaking, to walk on solid-firm ground, and to move our bodies in motion so slow;
it's premeditated.
Is there somebody else out there that actually likes to be proved wrong, craves the impulse of risk-taking, and wants more then anything; to be caught so off-guard they're stopped dead in their tracks?
I hope when I move to California I'm swallowed by the continuous rattling of the earth.
I'm tired of spending my days staring at a photo-album, and I'm bored with nights defined by studying my own history book.
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| Stolen from Claire. |
[06 Jan 2004|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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oh-so-very stoned. |
] |
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music |
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The Cure-burn |
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1. I ____ Zara.
2. Zara is ______.
3. Zara thinks a lot about _______
4. When I think of _________, I think of Zara.
5. If I were alone in a room with Zara, I would _______.
6. I think Zara should _____.
7. Zara needs ______.
8. I want to ____________ Zara.
9. If I could describe Zara in a word: _______.
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| in attempt to tip the scales |
[03 Jan 2003|02:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Pixies-where is my mind |
] |
In a half-assed attempt to avoid unnecessary drama in my life this journal is friends-only.
If you're intrigued and wish to read this melodramatic crap then add me and [most likely] I'll add you back.
xoxoxox
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eveline5's journal